heres your warning if your reading this: I'm about to go off on the most random and spur of the moment tangent on my feelings ever. there will no doubt be PLENTY of spelling and gramatical errors for which i will not backtrack to fix. im simply giong to type what comes through my brain and it might not make sense but its how im feeling.
Having said that, if you decide to continue on and read whatever lies ahead, i do not appologize for what i write. i only say that its been a...umm, "difficult" month or so for me. and writing is my ony way to express it and what better wayt o do that then where every one and their moms can witness it...
here we go:
its currently the mornign hours of march 10 and for give or take, 40 days, i have done absolutely nothign beneficial in my life. seriously. ive spent an honest to god 67% of my time holes up in my room doing nothing. i often just sit and think about what i wish i could be doing or what i want to do in my future. but do i act upin any of these thoughts or try to acheive my dreams? that a big fatty no. i sit here and just ponder life...yet while pondering it, i forget to live it. one of my favorite ever quotes is an old proverb and all it says is, "A rolling stone gathers no moss". when i first read that a few years ago in my head i made a promise to myself to live by that adage for as long as i lived...yet here i am, the greatest hypocrite ive ever seen... i disgust myself with how unbeneficial i am to this planet.
and on top of that, im ashamed. im ashamed that ive turned into exactly the stereotype that i always detested and said i would never be. the college dropout who stays in her small hometown of "turtle's nest" (dont want to reveal my location). i have no job, all of my firends are away at college or out doing something for themselves, so long story short, i have no llife. I sit here, sit on my bed, or in my red chair, or on the floor, or on the couch...and i just sit. i dont do anytihng productive, i just sit. sit and ponder.
im not M.D. but if i were, i would say that im diagnosably depressed. i dont even know how to explain how much i disgust myself these days. im gaining weight (which for me is something ive never encountered. ive always been super athletic with a high metabolism) and so obvs, my self image is falling out my butt and this only leads me to detest myself that much more. i made fun of the people who didnt leave turtles nest after high school and said i hope they enjoyed living in the trailor park for awhile...karmas a bithc eh?
the worst part though, is the shame i feel. i lie to my friends when they ask what ive been up to. i say ive just been kickin it around town, just taking a breather...little do they know i sometimes stop breathing. its childish and obviously irrational, but if i hold my breath and close my eyes, sometimes it just feels like time is slowing down. and maybe i think that if it slows down enough, ill be able to catch up and get back on trakc...obvs this hasnt helped me since here i sit, at 2:24 writing my soul out onto my computer for anyone to read and judge me... judge all you fucking watn. i garantee, however much you judge me, its not even a smidgen of what i judge myself. im my own worst enemy in the most literal form of the statement.
By no means am i self mutilative (i dont even fucking know if thats a word) but i think about it sometimes. i culd never bring myself to do anything like cutting or whatever...but i think maybe itll help me. physical pain has always driven me. like during sports i would push myself to the brink of puking, and i would love it. love knowing that im bringing myself that much pain and that i control when it stops and how much it gets to before i stop it. having that much control drove me to participate in daily life i think...if im being honest, i had never even thought up this idea or theory untill just now. that whole train of thought is completely original to me. hmm thats intrigueing to me.
maybe thats whats oging on. im a control freak who lacks the ability to trust. and so as all my friendships (many of which i was controlling/bitchy in)fall apart, and as i sit and rot away, ive lost both control and anybody to confide in. hence why ive ended up here, speaking to the globe, instead of to my best freind. who really doesnt even know me at all. weve grown apart and she doesnt realize it and i just feed that lie... im destructive. i can only hold on to a good thing for so long before i subtley begin destroying it. its so true its creepy.
this is it, im deciding right here, right now. tomorrow i get shit taken care of. i get up before my normal 12:30/1:00 and do something. i promise to my blog that ill write tomorrow. and im holding myself to that promise. im diong this cuz its apparent from my just recent ramblings, that i can talk/type myself out of this depression. i just need to write it, then read it and eventually ill get myself out of this fucking funk im in. itll happen, but ive got to start this ball rolling. all this inspiration is just aditionally fueled by the tim mcgraw song im currenlty listenign to. its called a place in the sun and im going to claim it as some sort of sign. ok well its 2:40 now, which means ive been typing for over a half hour now (this is not constant typing, i stopped and zoned out probably like 3 times throughout this epic saga of a blog entry). im need to go to sleep so i can get up while its techinally still morning and do something about my good for nothing life. cuz its ridiculous.
Ok closing statement:
im sick and tired of my good for nothign life. i want to be usefull. i want to have a purpose. i want to be something to somebody. and i want somebody to mean something to me. i want the old, normal me back. and im going to start climbing that cliff, tomorrow. no matter what, ill get back. ill be me. and ill get on with it. ill get something started. im giong to appologize ONLY for the spelling and gramatical errors that are EVERYWHERE in this. its grosses me out how horid it is. i can ony imagine if my english teacher glanced at this. she was my favorite but shed probably straight up bitch slap me. hopefully this will also be the last "emo" blog. really, im a funny person. but i just needed to get this out. whew, ok well sleep tight g spice.
stay tuned, im cool...not like this ^^^ but a fun cool.
-B
p.s. this is the timmy song i was talking about...its very country and kinda preachy...neither of which i am...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=85bVsZN0XeE
check up on it if ya want...not pressuring you to though :]
peace out bizzzz
-B jr.
p.s.s. haha in case you were unaware...in some ocassions, emo are the intials for "eat me out" haha just a fun fact for you. so go enjoy yourself emo kids...we all know what your really doing now
lata skata
-B the third
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